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Happy Birthday, Dita!

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Happy birthday, HD

My thought of the day

"If you won't grieve me, you won't leave me behind".

Wish I got the chance.
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'Tis here.

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It's a beautiful night.

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The world is full of...

So this is what I get for leaving the apartment-

I walk to get lunch at the corner, and on the way back, a young (coincidentally black) man was coming up the street towards me. I smiled, and he asked "Can I join you?" I laughed (and clutched my keys a little tighter, out of habit) and said "not this time, I got stuff to do!". Even as I said that though, instinct kicked in and I wasn't as scared as I (maybe) should have been. His energy was calm, and kind. He stopped and said, "Well, maybe another time?", to which I replied "You never know!" and smiled again. He stepped a little closer to me, and said, "You are a beautiful and very kind person. Have a great day".

I wondered even as I was wishing him the same, if he said that because a little white girl didn't run from a very fit black man.

His last words are going to stick with me for quite a long time.

Makes me think about "other people", if I was so strikingly "kind" in a single moment of conversation with him. And why in that same moment, I let my little-white-girl guard down and "let him in".

Own it.

I have earned my own existence. There's much yet to come, more power, more passion, more potential. But I own it. It's mine. No one can take it away from me. Now, as I lie here listening to my sleeping love, I realize. I made this come to be. Yes, I'm beyond lucky. But I worked for this. From the moment I was born, I've been fighting. I'll never be anything but a fighter. I'm a survivor. I survived, and now I am here. In my proper place. Whether for five minutes or fifty years. It's mine.

I am master and commander.

What a relief.
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Things I've learned

• I'm really, really good at making detailed lists, post its, etc
• There is nothing good on television between about 11 am and 3 pm.
• I am in love with someone who is conveniently my best friend
• Gelsons? Expensive.
• I'm okay with being alone, but I'm way better when I'm with him.
• I hate when people leave their laundry in the only washing machine on our floor. (okay, there are two. But this one is closest to ME.)
• College people don't care how many seats are open in their classes... YOU CAN'T COME IN.
• Explorers is an awesome movie!
• I still love Myrna Loy
• West Side Story one sheets can TOTALLY make a room
• Owning your own car is a whole different kind of anxiety
• You CAN make a meal of triscuits, carrots, string cheese, and grapes
• When they say you should vacuum carpet after you put it in.... they mean it. You'll never get all the undercoat-like fuzz out otherwise. Black socks beware.
• Sloppy Joes can really stink up a place
• I'm okay with being relied upon, and that's when I function best.
• Gastritis SUCKS.
• Love = anxiety. In the best way.

So maybe I'm in a little bit over my head. But I'm happy.

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All Was Well

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Summer!

Bloody, bruised, abraded knees.
Sunblock smell.
Sweatshirts and shorts being a totally legitimate and comfortable outfit together.

There are some things that just are summer. These are 3. I'll post more soon when I'm not totally zonked from work and play. But man... I really love Summer. It's no Autumn, but it makes me smile anyway.

Someone remind me of this in, say, mid July, when I'm working outside all day in the 100 + degree heat. Thank you.

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Staring down the summer rollercoaster

Here we are, creeping up the first hill. Oh boy. Thoughts are appreciated as are monetary donations.

Or. Er.

Well anyway.

I get worried, often, about posting "things of value", which is why I don't post too much. I want it to mean something. But then... Who am I doing it for? Who do I THINK is going to care that much?

This is for me. So. Here I am.

Here's a picture of something (well, 3 things) that makes me happy. Til next time, I'ma watch mindless TV and wait for the anxiety to hit.
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Limbo

I hate it. I have two homes that aren't quite my home. I fall asleep every night feeling so far away, and so left behind. I try really hard to keep a brave face but I'm scared to death and mostly because of what the situation does to ME and MY LIFE so I feel selfish and I know I'm an idiot and I cry and then feel stupid for crying and ...

I'm so happy. And so afraid of everything that could and is going wrong. I should be the happiest I've ever been and while I am, I'm also stressing about things beyond my control that could in the long run effect my happiness.

I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm a wreck and I wish I could fix it.

This sucks.

And now I feel stupid again.

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Sometimes it wraps around my heart in a white knuckled grip, and living or dying, I am weak and afraid.

I can't kill the fear. I can only ignore it for so long. But I can embrace it, hold it, feel it inside me... And let it go.

But every time- every breath, every step, every moment- is a process.

And then - a soft, hoarse laugh. One more time.

Come, again, once more. Release. Breathe.
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Thought for a day, thought for a lifetime

"Let all of life be an unfettered howl. Like the crowd greeting the gladiator. Don't stop to think, don't interrupt the scream, exhale, release life's rapture. Everything is blooming. Everything is flying. Everything is screaming, choking on its screams. Laughter. Running. Let-down hair. That is all there is to life."- Vladimir Nabokov
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My mantra

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Sweet dreams

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It's time for one of those posts...

If you have something to say about me, say it to my face. Don't make me the bad guy without asking better of me. And never, ever tell me I "wouldn't understand".

I'm tired.
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What is your plan A? What is your plan B? Which are you living?

More to come soon.
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How to fail at packing

Pack all of your dvds, weeks prior to moving.

I thought I would get the easy stuff out of the way!

Ugh.
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Good Friday

I was raised Catholic. I have a big Catholic family. At times, though, I have struggled with my religion-- never my faith, just religion. In recent years I've come to the conclusion that I don't believe in organised religion. (Part of this coming from how much I really hate the Catholic church at the moment, and how much not-better the other Christian religions are). I stand by my own selection of values taken from many different faiths. No matter how my "religion" has varied, I have always had faith. I am a spiritual person at heart. I want to believe in something or someone bigger than me.

I won't ruminate on the subject now- this is the subject of the big three (religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin) I get in MOST trouble talking about.

However- I will say this. In spite of my religious struggles, the traditions I was taught as a little Catholic schoolgirl still carry through. I may not go to church as often as I should, but I still wake up on Good Friday and think of the struggles of one human man who fought for love and peace. I think of how hard he fought... For me. And for you. And your family, and my family, and anyone else. I always get emotional this time of year... The story of Jesus Christ is too overwhelming for me sometimes. Whether he is your saviour, or he's just a swear word, whether you see him as a guy in clown makeup and a Superman shirt (my preference) or a dark skinned road-weary Jewish man, whether he is the son of your god or the prophet of someone else's- take a moment, just a moment today, to think of all that he did in his short time on Earth.

And, if you don't believe it-- it's an awfully good story, isn't it?
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"Well if you sit down with this old clown, I'll take that frown and break it..."

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As for where I am...

Well. I'm just regular busy. I owe y'all a few posts, but as for next weekend, I direct you to The Skull & Pumpkin (http://www.theskullpumpkin.blogspot.com) for updates. :)
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Dear Charlie Sheen

My friend posted this on her facebook, and I personally think it needs to be shared with the world. If anyone else wants to share it- you have her blessing. And mine. I'm amazed by the people that surround me.

Dear Mr. Charlie Sheen,
As you prepare to head out on your "Torpedo of Truth" tour, I just had a few things to share with you.
 
What you are doing is NOT comedy, not even by the slightest stretch of the imagination.  You are simply ranting, as I myself am doing now.  There is nothing wrong with letting out a little steam once in a while, but don't try to mask it under the false pretense of comedy.
 
Comedians poke fun at daily life, people and situations to help lighten the load of all the chaos that surrounds us.  Most do not intentionally set out to hurt people, especially people who have no control of their situation.
 
When you asked your father to "walk through a cancer ward right now and find any of those mother fuckers who look like me," it just was not funny.
 
I did not choose to feel sick.
I did not choose to loose my hair.
But I can choose to be stronger than you.
 
If you want to be funny, why don't you pick on people who have control of their own situation, people, like you, who have chosen to be an idiot in the eyes of the general public.
 
There is too much going on in the world right now for us to have to suffer through your blatant disrespect and stupidity.
 
Sincerely,
Your troll of trolls
Monica Best
 
P.S.  Even bald, I look better than you
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Sorry I haven't written...

I have other things going on at the moment...
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I know the feeling.

Sweet dreams.

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I don't remember sitting for this sketch...

Okay it's not really me. But if you wanted to get a grasp of at least a handful of aspects of me... Here.
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Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici

Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici

Small frustrations.

I move pretty fast. I plan, and work, and make things happen. One of my most important qualities is my efficiency, even if my perfectionism sometimes gets in the way. Usually the opposite is true, I am efficient BECAUSE I'm a perfectionist. It has to be done well, and done right.

But there's a problem here.
No one else moves as fast as I do.

I'm an understanding person. I know plans change, circumstances are what they are, and sometimes you just aren't ready to make a decision. But when I need you to make a decision... make a decision! "We'll see." is one of my absolute WORST things. No, we won't see. I need an answer now. This especially applies when I'm trying to answer back to someone else; In situations where I'm the middle man, I don't like to keep people waiting. However, I get just as frustrated when it's ONLY me. Waffling is a trait I have a hard time with. Flip-flopping. Emotions not included- you need to keep up with me when I'm asking something of you. I'm not ridiculous. I don't ask incredible amounts of anything from anyone.

But GOOD GOD.

That is all. Got it out of my system. Have a nice day all.

"I don't remember losing track of you..."

Beauty.

A thought

When you're sore from doing something you love (dance if you're a dancer, the like) it's the absolute best, most heavenly feeling in the world.

That's all. Taking my skate-sore body to bed now. Goodnight everyone. I love you.
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A giggle to start your day...

This plus coffee? I'm all set!

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More

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Quote of today

"Life just keeps happening, doesn't it?" -- My Dad

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Goodnight.

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"That's the most beautiful thing you could have ever given me."

"Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. "
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Seize the Day

Earlier this morning I got a phone call from Henner (yes, the guy with the Brat).

"My friend just called me and I'm meeting him. I just didn't want you to think I was having a seizure or anything"

I thanked him, told him to have fun, and hung up. And it hit me.

Seizures are a part of my every day now. Henner had a brain tumor, and 3 years ago February had it removed. All in all he's an incredibly healthy man who's lucky to be alive. However, he has to be on anti-seizure medication, and has some other small indicators of brain damage. Things we can laugh about. Sure when he takes a picture you'll be lucky if you're still in the frame, and he spills stuff a lot, but he's ALIVE. So the seizures, when they happen, we deal with (I do very little besides provide emotional support) and wait for them to pass. They're rare, and relatively mild compared to some. I make sure from time to time that he's eaten and remind him to take a break from "brain-tiring" tasks when he gets in too deep. Anything I can do to help his brain stay comfortable I do. Simple and well worth it.

When I was little, my only experience with seizures was through my godfather (a man I won't be mentioning again any time soon). He had (supposedly) the big, scary truly seizing-seizures. They terrified me when I was small and suddenly he'd sit or lay down and shake for what seemed to me like hours (minutes, if that, of course). I have so many other bad memories with him that even the word "seizure" put a bad image in my mind.

That is, until Henner.
Henner showed up at the perfect time for me. My godfather was no longer a part of my life (my choice), I was transitioning into adulthood, and I needed not only a good adult male role model (besides my dad), but a good friend. He has taught me to be joyful, and to have childlike curiosity and enthusiasm. He's made me happy to be me. He's completely changed my life for the better. And because of him, I'm not afraid any more. The seizures are just a small example of that. I know he'll be there to hold my hand, or I'll be there to hold his; whether he falls or I do, we'll go down together.

I'm not afraid anymore.
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"Lose yourself."

Otherwise known as The Black Swan blog.

(A much more dynamic poster if you ask me)

I'll start by saying this - I loved it.

I went in with incredibly high expectations. Ballet PLUS psychological thriller PLUS Natalie Portman is a combination practically built for someone like me. I knew I'd probably be disappointed, but to my wild satisfaction, I was totally blown away. As someone involved in the theatrical world, it was so easy to identify to the characters themselves. Every character introduced instantly had a persona that I understood, or I knew. The jealous stage mom, the rebellious dancer, the bitter "dying swan", and so on. There's something to be said for a film that you can go into thinking "I know that person," "I've worked with them," or, as I found myself saying "That's me".

I never once felt that this film catered to the "mainstream" crowd, or worse, bashed them over the head with stereotypes or even truth of a dancer's life. The stories and happenings and small tics and quirks laid out in front of you were remarkably true to life and very subtle. We all know dancers face ridiculous expectations of their physical being, so seeing Nina (Natalie Portman) watching her diet and even throwing up on a few occasions, while being very quietly and gracefully shown, is not altogether unexpected. Nothing new or shocking is thrown at you in that sense. Bloody toes, stick thin girls, jealousy, anger, even hatred of the girl who is "better than you", those are all parts of a dancer (or performer's) daily life, and all of these facets were displayed with ease and without propagating anything or condemning anyone.

Then we get to the nitty gritty story side of things. If you haven't seen the film, I will definitely try not to spoil anything. If you're skittish, feel free to look away, as I might not be able to contain my thoughts entirely. Check in again soon.

This film is being advertised as a "Psychological Sexual Thriller". I even saw it billed online as a "Wicked Psycho-Sexual Thriller". Please, please remember that as you head to the theatre. (I'm talking to you, lady who brought your 8 year old kid). It's rated R for a reason, and it's a THRILLER. There's blood, there are scary images, and there is sex. Don't bring your kids, and be prepared to be uncomfortable. It WILL be worth it. I hate using this phrase but it truly is very tastefully done, and not in the least gratuitous. Even the sex scene (learn more about it here) is almost entirely implied and not at all explicit (which works beautifully). All in all the whole film is artfully & gracefully done, and I was very impressed with that facet.

A quick note about the cast:
There's not a weak one among them. From Winona Ryder as Beth to Barbara Hershey as Nina's mom, Erica, they all have incredible depth of emotion and character. Obviously the writing is a huge part of it, but truly every single actor worked their tails off to make this film such an amazing work of art.

I did, however, have one disappointment.

The score.

Here's what I hate about film scores: They force emotions upon you. There are exceptions, of course. But why on earth would I want you to tell me that I'm about to be scared? Or make me have to be sad? While the use of Tchaikovsky's "Swan Lake" in this score is beautiful (everything from rehearsal piano to a full orchestra to Nina's ringtone) everything else is way overdone and something I could have done without. I would love to go back and watch the film sans music. There's something even more tense and sinister about silence in suspenseful moments. I wish I could see THAT version of the film.

That being said... this film stuck with me, and will for some time. It got inside my brain in unexpected ways, and it made me evaluate my own perception of myself and of my idea of "perfection". Definitely more than worth the price of admission. Two thumbs up, Five stars, yada yada yada.

In a word, even with the small flaws I noticed and the complaints I know other people have...

It was perfect.