It's been an interesting year. I wouldn't go as far as saying "bad"... okay wait maybe I would. But this isn't a pity party. Everyone has their moments. Things got a little screwy starting around March of last year, and have been an incredible roller coaster ever since. I have lost and gained so many people this year. I lost and rediscovered myself. I found my ambition, lost it, and found it again. I learned a LOT. I'm kind of proud of myself, and at the same time feel like I'm somehow missing out on something really important. If anyone knows what that is, please let me know.
First and foremost... I AM THANKFUL. In the past year I've discovered and re-discovered some people who really really mean the world to me. I got closer with my best friend and creative partner and crazy twin brother, Josh (for really screwed up and convoluted reasons.). I found an incredible friendship with Ally, who is beautiful and wonderful and reminded me that not all teenage girls are terrible people to be around (also for really screwed up and convoluted reasons). I rediscovered our old family friend Henner, who is now all I could ask for in an unclegodfathercrazymaniacfriend, and that's a miracle. You all know-- ALL of you who I've reconnected with or met or gotten close with recently -- how much you've changed my life. I unfortunately lost touch with a few people that really mean a lot to me still, but I'm afraid to reach out to because I dropped the ball. I lost an important father-figure in my life through no fault of my own, and I'm still working on coming to terms with that. Having the incredible support system I have with Josh, Ally, Henner, etc etc etc, has helped me there a lot, but I know I have more work to do. I'm eighteen now (finally), and some of this stuff I have to do on my own. That's exciting and scary and I can't wait.
I'm going to have to start applying to colleges in a few months. If you're asking - I love Sarah Lawrence and Wesleyan , and those are my top choices. In reality I'm probably taking a year, maybe two, at C of O and taking it from there. That's my reality. It's not what I want, but I'm too proud and ambitious (Slytherin) to let it slide or to stay home or to miss out on what I really want. I don't know anymore what I want to do. I love theatre. I really love music (and I'm working on getting my stuff together to start up a two-piece. We've got an artist's statement and everything. Keep an eye out and an ear open.). I love psych. I love being a human.
It's weird but I would rather spend four years of my life going on adventures and ending up in random places and taking random jobs than sitting in a classroom studying. I will study. I'm a hard worker. But I sort of just want to go to Boston and work as a living statue, and go to France and learn the language and stay in some random tiny dingy flat with 12 other girls, and then maybe join the circus, or design comic books, or be a massage therapist, or a political activist, or... what else heaven knows. I want to do it all and I already know my time is running out. I'm waiting for the adventure to start, and I have to start it. I'm going to keep writing music, and learn a language or two, and take the SAT and maybe get a job once that nonsense is done. I'm going to go to Missouri for the birth of my GODSON Leo and maybe stick around for a while. I'm going to make the most of what I've realized is a really precious commodity - My life.
I love people. Well... no. I love people's potential. I love listening and observing and being. Breathing is fun. Touching and feeling and seeing and tasting are amazing. Hearing is a miracle. I want to be around people. But alone. But with people. I want to spend my time surrounded by the kind of people that I get, and the kind of people that I don't. I want to have dinner with Sxip Shirey and Brian Viglione and Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman and Ben Folds and whoever else decides to show up. I want to go for a long walk with my best friends and end up miles away from civilization. I want to be stuck on a tour bus in the middle of nowhere fighting with my band and crew over who gets the under bench spot (the winning spot). (And I'll win it - I hit hard.) I want to host art parties. I want to own that silly little theatre in North Hollywood and LIVE IN IT.
I want.
I need.
And... I will.
Watch me.
yay!
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